Fractals

As a self-described sixteenth-century monk living in the body of a twenty-first century woman, it seems kind of strange to suddenly find myself all bound up in the world of computer technology. As a first-year college student, it turns out that my educational path has veered off into the field of Information Technology, which is all about digital media and the Internet. But I really am enthralled by all of the possibilities, not only for education and careers, but for creativity as well.

Now this is really strange - the woman whose most successful artistic endeavors have been very animated stick figures has suddenly discovered fractal art. Just the thought of doing anything involving higher math gave me the chills, but when I found that there was a free program which contained all of the steps necessary for creating fractal art I had to try it. And, boy! what fun it is!

Now, I know that I am terminally behind-the-times when it comes to technology, as well as fashion, etc. So I don't even know if this is still a legitimate pasttime or if it is simply passe, but it is very intriguing to me. It is still - at my early stage - a surprise to see what will come forth from my mouse clicks. But I am having a lot of fun seeing what I can come up with. I will post a few of the pieces I've done below.

My question is this - how does one judge the quality of the piece? Is it the complexity, or the colors, or what? I hope it has something to do with the way in which viewing it makes you feel, because I get such a kick out of some of the pieces I've come up with that I spontaneously burst out with "Ohhhs!" and "Ahhhs!" and even a few "EEEEKS!" Tell me what you think makes a piece good or otherwise, so that I have some criteria by which to judge.

Enjoy!

How Lovely is the Silence of Growing Things

Amid the everyday rush to accomplish everything which is on my agenda - caring for the cats on the sanctuary, going to college, attending meetings of the various non-profits which I work with, and finding time for doing my daily gongyo (Buddhist prayers) - I often forget to look up from whatever task is at hand and notice the world around me. This is a sad thing to consider, when I live on the most amazingly beautiful planet in this Universe. My little corner of the world is particularly lovely, especially now that summer approaches. The woods in which my small home nestles is a glorious symphony of greens as the trees leaf and the underbrush grows. I need to stop and really look again, to realize how many shades of green there are around me. Above all I need to allow the healing energies of Green to fill my mind and soothe my soul.

This sanctuary of green in the untamed woods is filled with life. The deer come right up behind the house to browse on the sweet new grass; birds and squirrels run rampant through the treetops; the little runoff brook which crosses the property is gurgling sweetly with the fullness of abundant rain. This time of the year is one which I need to savor, and to store up my memories of, for the hot, dry days of July and August soon to come.

And even the rainiest days are a blessing to experience here. They present a too-rare opportunity to snuggle up with a horde of small furry companions, to browse through the forgotten treasures which my library holds in wait, and to nap with the music of rain on the roof overhead. I am truly blessed!

I am blessed indeed, to be able to have this small home in the woods to live in. I am blessed to be given the chance to attend college at long last, and gain the education which has been sorely missed in my life. I am blessed to be able to care for all of the furry beasts who wouldn't have a chance at life without me to give them a home. And I am blessed to have wonderful friends and mentors who care for me, and want to see me succeed in all of my endeavors.

I will not address all of the deficits which I can claim, or my failings, or my hardships. Today is for joy alone, and appreciation of what I do have in this wonderful life. Today is for Green.

Life Unfolding

I have been blessed in the past few years to have discovered a new way of seeing my future. Growing up as a child with Asperger Syndrome, I lived very much inside my own mind, seldom making any sort of meaningful contact with the world outside. I never saw the importance in things which other people take so much for granted. Neurotypical people are able to see the relationships between themselves and those around them, but that was something which I missed out on. If I was aware enough to notice that there were other people in my vicinity, I usually felt like Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land, an alien from a far-off world stumbling and bumbling around, always saying or doing or feeling the wrong thing. My reality took place in my mind, and in the books which I read to feed it. The "real world" was a hazy, undefined place, filled with things which I had no way of comprehending.

As unconnected as I was, and unable to understand what was important to other human beings, there were many concepts which were completely foreign to me. Empathy and compassion for other people seemed to have been left out of my make-up, although I seemed to be able to read the thoughts and feelings of animals with little effort. The consequences attached to one's actions were inconceivable. Things like numbers, formulas, and patterns were unintelligible to me

Foremost among the things which didn't fit into my mind or my life was time. Every moment was now, and later was a meaningless concept. I was here, now. Or I was here, then - my mind and thus, my self, spent a lot of time in the past. If I could read about it or imagine it or fantasize about it, it was real. But I could never connect with the future of my self, of my real life.

Coming from a broken, dysfunctional family does not help to ground someone like me in the reality of the world around them. When everyone around you is focussed on their own pain and angst, there is little energy or attention left for a child who doesn't seek to be noticed, but rather prefers to remain unseen and unconnected. But these circumstances left me woefully unprepared to build a Real Life, in the Real World.

As I grew old enough to take care of myself, and moved out of my parents' home, I slid through the small cracks in life which opened for me, never aware enough to question where I was going or where I would end up. I slid past the opportunity of getting a college education, and into a crevasse called Getting Whatever Job I Could Pretend To Do Well Enough. Pitiful positions in retail shops, for the most part, were all that I could manage. Those jobs kept a roof over my head - barely - and food on the table. The gods were watching out for me, though, or I had a really good store of karma inside me, because I always managed to have the books which were my life's blood. I never realized that there was more to life than my mind, my books, and my animals. I was blissfully ignorant of the Future.

Suddenly, at the age of forty-something, I lifted my head out of my book and discovered that there was more to life than the mind in which I played and wandered and remembered the world's past. There was a future looming, and dreams which I could grasp, and there were other people out there! All of these years I had been developing at my own pace, and I was finally fully formed and ready to move out into the world.

I have started my journey on the education path, learning how to earn a real living at long last. Better late than never! But considering how many years it took me to grow to the point where getting an education was feasible, I am in no hurry to "complete" it. There is so much I want to learn and to experience, and so many wonderful people I want to share this joy with! Most people put four years, or eight, or ten into completing their formal education. I want to keep playing this marvelous game for fifteen, twenty, twenty-five! Now that I've finally reached this point, I want to absorb every delicious morsel I can lay my hands on. I don't ever want it to end.

And one of the best things about it is my opportunity to share it with others, with those people whom I could never connect with or understand. I've finally got it! I know who they are, what they feel, where they want to go. I am one with them at last! And I never want to lose my connection again. Not everyone feels disjointed as I did, the child with Asperger Syndrome. But I know now that everyone feels a little disconnected, a little lost, a little helpless when facing this huge world. I've been there, and maybe I can help somehow.

It all comes down to discovering who you really are, and what really matters in life. It all comes down to taking the risk, and admitting to your failings. It all comes down to being courageous, and not letting life beat you down. It comes down to being alive, and finding joy, and feeling hopeful, and knowing that you can do whatever you need to do.

It comes down to being yourself, and being brave.

Time to Wash Our Souls and Minds

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

Gandhi (1869 - 1948)


This was true during Gandhi's lifetime, but unfortunately, the ocean, and humanity, has become terribly polluted since then. Just as we are overwhelming the ocean's ability to heal herself, to clean out that which pollutes her waters, so has the ocean of humanity become polluted by fear and hatred, separatism and partisanship. Our ability to cause harm to others has increased tremendously with the development of technology. Modern weapons kill and maim thousands and millions at one shot; modern communications spread ill-will and negative messages instantaneously; modern methods of production and rampant consumerism create an unlivable world and poisonous air. And as we destroy the planet, we destroy ourselves - our ability to feel compassion for other people, our ability to accept the value of each person in this world, our responsibility for the happiness of others have all shriveled up and blown away in a toxic wind.

It has become fashionable to "think green," to be environmentally sensitive, to recycle and reuse and reduce our carbon footprint. But when will it become fashionable to value other people as we do ourselves? When will we be capable of respecting others simply because they share over 99% of our DNA (which is every other human being on this planet!)? When will we cease thinking only of what makes us feel better or live longer or be happier?

If we care enough to correct the damage which we have done to this planet, then we must also begin to care enough to cherish each other as the precious, valuable beings which each one of us is, by the fact of being born human. We must clean out our minds and souls, and refuse to think bad thoughts, to look for the worst in other people, to accuse and defame and abuse each other. It is past time for us to end our fear-based, defensive value system, and to walk in the Light of acceptance and joy and - yes - love.

What we believe becomes real, as has been proven time and again. We have to stop believing the negativity, stop seeking a scapegoat, stop indulging our cowardice and face the Light. This world will only be a safe, nurturing, protective home when we refuse to allow negativity a place in our lives and in our minds. It is difficult to find the courage to live a positive life when all of our elected officials seem focused exclusively on accomplishing their own agendas, consolidating their own power and wealth, and destroying their opponents; when every media outlet focuses on the sensational and gory, ignoring the good things in the world; when celebrities glorify over-consumption and status, making everyone who lives outside of their elite circle feel inferior. We must refuse to allow these influences a place in our minds and our psyches, and be the strong, positive people we were born to be. It's time for us to be the change we need in this world.

Gandhi has set a standard for all of us to meet - let's take up the challenge and succeed in cleaning up the world, and our souls.

"I will not let anyone walk through my mind with dirty feet."

Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

Weave a World of Hope

The following excerpt is from a Tricycle Magazine interview with Daisaku Ikeda, third president of the Soka Gakkai (Value Creation Society) International, by Clark Strand.

"All people are equally endowed with the inherent capacity to respect others, and this capacity is a source of inexhaustible hope because it embodies a universal truth that transcends the specifics of religious creeds. The respect offered by Buddhists to other people is offered in virtue of their humanity, without regard to their religious belief or creed. Nichiren described this with a poetic metaphor, saying that when we bow to a mirror, the figure in the mirror bows back reverentially at us. This is the true spirit of Buddhism, and yes, it is reason for great hope."

This point of view is one which I share with reverence and hope, praying that one day soon the entire world will take it up and run with it. Respect for others seems to be in short supply, no less than respect for oneself. There are so many ways in which people disrespect themselves, wasting their lives, their minds, and - most importantly - their souls. And there is no end to the disrespect which we show to others, thinking ill of people who are different from us, who hold different values and beliefs, by looking at others with suspicion and fear in our hearts. What an enormous waste of the potential we all hold for creating a better world!

I receive frequent emails from a beloved family member, who unfortunately holds different opinions than I, criticizing and accusing people of different cultural, spiritual, and political groups of being "Un-American." These emails have been forwarded to him by various contacts, and he passes them along to me, in the mistaken belief, I am sure, that I would share their narrow-minded, defensive, separatist point of view. It is extremely distressing to me that he feels it necessary to continue to send these negative messages out into the world. How can he not see that this negativity is what makes this world a more dangerous, unaccepting place for all of us to live?

I have always understood that what we believe becomes real, as our minds create the reality in which we exist. "The right belief is like a good cloak," writes Brandon Sanderson in his novel Mistborn. "If it fits you well, it keeps you warm and safe. The wrong fit, however, can suffocate." I feel that this small planet is suffocating beneath the weight of a cloak woven of suspicion, distrust, hatred, and fear. We all deserve so much better!

I do not have children, nor will I ever, but I feel that everyone I meet is the child of my soul. Every person born on this planet deserves to be cherished and nurtured, and deserves my respect. Everyone on this planet is a member of my immediate family; I pray for the comfort of the ones who suffer; I pray for the ones who cause harm to be completely happy,so that they no longer feel the need to hurt others; I pray for those who are insecure and fearful to feel confidence in their lives and in their choices, so that they don't spread their negative feelings to the world; I pray for the ones who are filled with joy and light and love to share their blessings with everyone they meet.

And I pray for everyone to find the spiritual path which will strengthen and uphold them, and make their lives a better, brighter place to be, so that they in turn will be able to spread their joy and comfort to everyone they meet. Let us weave a new cloak to encompass all the people of this world, made from a fabric of bright threads and sparkling strands, gossamer and light and protecting all from the elements of hatred and fear. If we each just take up one strand and begin the weaving, it will be ready to wear in no time at all.

Bright blessings to you all!

Challenges

I am so very grateful for all of the challenges which this life has brought me! Without each and every one of them, I would not be the person I am today, living an amazing, fulfilling life, caring for a blessed group of innocent, needful creatures, and growing in patience, love, and wonder each day.

As an adult lately diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (high-functioning autism), I have lived my life in an alien world, one in which I existed on the periphery of society, unable to form meaningful connections with others or improve my life-condition. While at first glance this might be seen as negative, in my case it has been an amazing gift. My solitude and lack of connection have allowed me the time to grow into my self, to discover the myriad facets of my wonderful mind, and to determine how I can best serve the world and all of its inhabitants, in small ways or large.

At this point in my blossoming life, I am a first-year college student achieving high grades, have become a member of the Phi Theta Kappa International Honor Society, received a student achievement award from my college, and have had a poem published in the school literary journal. Not bad for someone who two years ago was too frightened of new places and strange people to even set foot on a college campus!

Several years ago I volunteered to move my home to a remote rural location and serve as caretaker for a feral cat sanctuary. This unpaid position has provided a wealth of satisfaction and reward, allowing me to care for unwanted animals who would otherwise have lost their lives. This work gives me a soul-deep sense of satisfaction and joy. Simply knowing that my time and effort allows the wee beasties a second chance is all the thanks I need, and when I look into their feral eyes I know that it's all worthwhile.

But the most amazing change in my life has been the wealth of joy and blessings which arose when this "Closet Buddhist" came out and began practicing Buddhism openly, and the glorious array of very precious and sparkling people who have flooded into my life as a result. I never dreamed that this child, the one who hid behind trees rather than speak to a stranger, would stand up in front of two hundred fellow Buddhists at a New Year's Day meeting and speak about the blessings of my practice. It was inconceivable that the child who preferred to hide under her bed reading by the dull beam of a flashlight would share her joy in life with fellow members at a discussion meeting, joy which arose from accepting the rightness of Dharma in her life. How incredible that the woman who resented and despised all of the people who caused her pain and difficulty throughout her life would forgive all of them, and pray earnestly for their happiness and that of everyone in the entire world.

This is my life now. A feral-sanctuary caretaking college student Buddhist, who awakens each day eager to share the joy of learning, loving, and living in this beautiful world, with all of its flaws and foibles and challenges - can you believe it? This is my life!